Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The First Sign That There Was a Problem Was When I Cried Putting My Shoes On.

I’m not kidding, tears streaming.  I met with a recruiter yesterday, and I thought I’d make a good impression with the business casual dress, some knee highs (Hey, he wouldn’t know, I was wearing pants!), and some dressy flats.
Bawled about knee highs and dress shoes.
And, no, this wasn’t for an accounting job, per se.  It was just an informal lunch, finding out more about becoming a recruiter.
Second sign was when he asked me how many hours I wanted to work, and I stalled because I didn’t have a answer off the top of my head, to which he filled in “like, 45 hours?”
Dude, I spend at least that on my own business.
I suppose it was the last vestige of trying to make something out of all the effort I put into my accounting degree and becoming a certified public accountant.  I didn’t want all the work to just go down the drain.
And I know I was really good at that tax stuff, because everyone told me so.  But I’m good at baking too, and you don’t see me opening a bakery.  I wasn’t happy, and that’s the point.
But recruiting – helping people better their lives?  Cool.  Except, as it turns out, also corporate structure, little flexibility with time the first couple years, and sales quotas.  Boo. Boo on sales quotas.  Stifling.
I’ve gotten rather comfortable with my time being my time, and dressing casually, and just becoming more and more “me” every day.  I feel like I was trying to fit into someone else’s shoes yesterday.  Someone I used to be…maybe.  Someone I never really wanted to be in the first place?  Probably.
What did I end up wearing to the informal meet up?  My Vans.  Yep.  Because, at least that’s me.  ”Be yourself” one of my friends texted me.  ”You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” texted my husband.
See, I listen.
It was actually a great luncheon.  I learned a lot, and now I know in my heart, more so than ever, that the corporate world isn’t for me.  I knew it before, but I saw it in such clear light yesterday.  Clear, all the way down to my shoes.
So, what now?
I feel a little lost.  I feel caught between two worlds.  Mourning the one I used to be in, and trying to stay excited about the one I’m entering into.  Don’t let anyone fool you, this sort of change is hard.
So, I’ll be honest and say that I haven’t completely honed in on what my Etsy store will be, or where that path is going to go.  As I’m painting flowers onto a table top this morning, tears flowed down my cheeks.
I suppose all artists go through phases where they think they aren’t good enough, their stuff isn’t good enough.  I’m there.
I’m caught between a world that was comfortable and lucrative to one that’s not stable, where I doubt myself almost every single day - whether it’s my abilities, my pricing, or whether or not I’ll ever get it all together to seamlessly showcase my pieces.  I feel as if I’m just doing “whatever”….until it’s time to do “whatever” else.
And, I know it’ll get better, and I’ll figure it all out, and all that crap about things happening for a reason…  I get that, I do.
But, for today, I’m just lost, and I’m okay with it.
But on the flipside, as tears fell on the painted table top, I began to realize that although I’m lost, my heart and soul still goes into every single thing I do, and that counts for something.
I mean, it has to count for something.  Even if it’s as simple as a tear drop on a flower petal.
So, when you look at my Etsy shop, just know that you’re looking at a girl “becoming”….

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