Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sometimes the Hardest Part is Being Honest with Myself.

As a great and dear friend told me yesterday, “let go of the accounting thing”.  In the midst of the breakdown, she’s giving me orders!!  What the heck?  (smirk)  Actually, it’s what I needed to hear, and she knows it.
I need the tough love occasionally.
It’s hard, the moving on.  Making decisions.  Leaving things in the past that no longer serve me.  There are so many reasons why I can’t go back into that world, and being honest about that with myself, was the hardest step.
Today, new day.  Bright, sunshiny, loving the birds chirping all over the place.  I fully realize that were I am, is not where I’ll stay – that the art of “becoming” takes time, effort, and some sort of dream.
Dream is a very distinct term I used there.  Note that I did not say “plan”.  (I don’t like plans.  Plans have a tendency to go off track.  When they do, I have a tendency to get really, really, really frustrated and, yep, mad.)
Dreams.  See, now, dreams can change.  They can ebb and flow.
I remembered, this afternoon, that when my husband and I watched “Valentine’s Day” the other night, my heart filled with excitement.  Have you ever seen it?  Well, if you haven’t, the main character owns a flower shop, and given that it’s Valentine’s Day, the shop is unbearably busy.  People shuffle this way, and that.  Ordering things.  Picking things out.
I felt crazy at the time, but I’m going to embrace the crazy today.
I want that.
No, no, no, not a flower shop.  I don’t know the first thing about being a florist. I want my business to have it’s own shop one day.
I’m starting to get into furniture now.  This is what I mean when I say things like, I do “whatever” until “whatever else” comes along.  I made crosses, then holiday stuff, then personalized signs, then other signs….  It’s like, whatever strikes my mood, and I’ve been hard on myself for not having a straight and clear vision.
Maybe that’s okay though.  Heck, I’ve only been selling this stuff since last September! That’s only 5 months!  (Yes, I counted that on my fingers.)  I’m still figuring out the process, the in’s and out’s, what I love to do with a passion, and what I really dislike.
Somewhere in my American mindset I think I have to have all the pieces now.  RIGHT NOW!  ACTION PLAN!
So, I’m going to be honest.  I’m letting it unfold by itself.  If I want to make a sign, I’ll make one.  If I want to make a table, I’ll do that.  And, sooner or later, I’ll have it together.
But, I sincerely hope that I don’t ever, really have it “together”.  It takes the fun out of trying new things.  I don’t want to make JUST signs.  Because I love the table I’m working on.  I don’t want to JUST make tables, because I love the table-top tree I carved.
So, the dream is this store, and I can see it vividly in my head.  It’s in an older building, brick on the wall, but also painted.  You know, like those really old buildings in the center of town.  The store is filled with all sorts of home decor – made from reclaimed and sustainable things, of course – furniture, artwork, plaques, you name it!  Sunlight streams in from the large windows, and past the artfully decorated storefront window.
People walk around the store, and feel at home.  There will be drinks and food available, to make it more comfortable and homey.  Great and wonderful Indie music would sound through the store, just like it does through the garage today.
The sign I’ve made for my business this year will be hanging, prominently, on the wall as a reminder of where I started.  And, any “newbie” in and around the area, will be given the chance to showcase their work, too.
We’d live in walking distance, so the dogs aren’t too far from me, if they don’t feel inclined to make the trip that day.
The best part?  My husband works beside me.  Creating and doing things he loves, too. The kids?  Oh, they do their homework at the checkout counter.
Yep, sometimes letting go of “what was”, and being honest with myself is, in fact, the hardest part.
Dreaming?  That’s easy.  But, it has to start somewhere, right?

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