Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Fear, Encouragement, and Baby Steps

I took a moment, yesterday, to write to one of my Etsy Teams – EcoEtsy.  I’ve always loved this group – we are just a bunch of fun-loving environmentalists set to upcycle and recycle and be as environmentally conscious as possible.  Plus, these ladies make me laugh. Almost every day.
Last night, I dragged myself out of bed, and read through some of their replies – whether they be on our group discussion board, on Etsy Convo, or elsewhere.   I didn’t reply to any of them.  The reason is….I’m in awe, and I didn’t know, exactly, what to say.
I try not to complain when I’m hurting, because nobody likes a whiner, right?  But, here’s some of the things I’m going through:
I’m in considerable pain, and I’m allergic to a lot of things out there that minimize the inflammation.  So, I just gotta suck it up.  This, I can handle.
The laceration, it’s going to scar.  There’s no way around it.  I worry about this.  It’s what I’m most sensitive about – being disfigured, somehow.  It’s not like I’m a model or something, but I’ve had this face for 30+ years now, and although it has other scars on it… Well, I’ve had them my whole life, practically, so they are just part of the scenery.  They aren’t new.
Granted, all of my friends, family, and especially my husband, tell me how beautiful I am and not to worry about it.  When I drop into tears, my husband reassures me that we’ll see every plastic surgeon in the world, if that’s what it takes to make me comfortable again.  He goes on to say that he’ll love me, scar and all, but it’s about what makes me comfortable.  Not what he needs.
I’m starting to get scared.  You see, the garage and I?  We’re not on speaking terms. The piece of wood I was working with?  I asked my husband to throw it in another pile, because I didn’t want to see it, or the piece that fractured off  and gouged my face.  I’m also seeing the potential dangers of every, single, piece of equipment out there, and all the other freak accidents that can happen.  It’s not that I didn’t know about them before, or I wasn’t cautious before.  It’s just that I’ve felt it now.  It’s different.  Changed.
I’m also facing six months of not being able to be in the sun, or it could make the scar permanently dark.  The chick that works in the garage with wood?  Ya, she’s an out-doorsy type of girl.
I love the outdoors.  I read out there.  Walk my dogs.  Go for runs.  The hubby and I draw with chalk on the driveway.  If I could lift the roof off the house, and not just open windows, I totally would.  I know I can use a bunch of sunscreen this Spring and Summer, but I’m going to be worried about the sun effects, none the less.
It hurts incredibly bad when I laugh.  And, if you know anything about me, I laugh all the time.  I’ve shared with Karen, the leader of the EcoEtsy group, that I’ve been watching Friends on DVD this week, as I’m propped up in bed.  I love it because I’ve watched the shows so much, I can laugh on the inside – I know what jokes are coming.  BUT - there are moments when something catches me off guard, and I have to laugh out loud.  I find if I hold my cheek, it’s possible, but it still hurts!
I can’t open my mouth very wide, so last night I was in a heap of tears because I was so HUNGRY!  No more liquid!  No more smoothies!!  I don’t want to have to drink my morning coffee with an effin straw! I wanted real food!  (Insert foot stomps and pathetic whines.)
I was craving Chinese food, so hubby ordered me Veggie Lo Mein.  I got some vegetables in my system, and the noodles are super soft.  I felt a lot better.  It’s a big difference food can make.
As we were waiting for the food to arrive, I told him of the things that bothered me, that I had emailed one of my teams, and what my fellow teammates on EcoEtsy were replying to me…everything from advice, solvents and salves, words of encouragement, personal stories, and general well wishes.  The support was (and still is) incredible!
It’s one thing to work in a large office environment like I did, and get the encouragement and support from my fellow co-workers when I was going through a tough time…because they saw me every day.  Just about.
But, to have this group, who doesn’t really ever see me, reach out to me the way they did….  Well, it’s just phenomenal, and touches my heart, more than I can say.  So much so, that the tears came and I had to tilt my head to the left so they would roll down the part of my cheek that doesn’t have any stitches on it.  ;)
I’m honored to be part of EcoEtsy.  Completely honored.
After Sean and I talked, I went to renew a listing, and while I did that, my husband went to putz around in the garage.  When I came back in the kitchen, he had brought out a chalkboard I was working on last week, the middle plaque that was already carved, and the frame I was working on right before the incident on Sunday.
The frame has been sitting on the garage floor, wrapped tight, while the glue was drying, and hasn’t moved one inch since I last worked on it.
I asked if he was putting it together for me, disenchanted because I didn’t want to do it.  He grabbed my hand, smiled at me, and then flipped it over.
“Look,” he said, pointing to the back, “how perfectly the chalkboard fits in the frame!  I didn’t even help you with this one!  You did it all by yourself!”
The whole project looked amazing.  Even in it’s unfinished state.  He got a big hug.
I got lost in painting yesterday, it’s like therapy to me.  I enjoyed it immensely.  We slept with the windows open last night.  It’s only 62 degrees here this morning.  I woke up to the birds chirping and a fresh breeze.
Life goes on.
So, this is my thank you.  Although I still hurt, and I’m still feeling the fear, the words of encouragement I received, from all sources yesterday, did my heart a lot of good. Everything is still different, but I know I’ll get back to it.  One baby step at a time.
The first step will be opening the garage door.  And, although I can’t do it yet, I’m hopeful I’ll be able to again.

No comments:

Post a Comment