Sometimes the Hardest Part is Being Honest with Myself.

As a great and dear friend told me yesterday, “let go of the accounting thing”.  In the midst of the breakdown, she’s giving me orders!!  What the heck?  (smirk)  Actually, it’s what I needed to hear, and she knows it.

I need the tough love occasionally.

It’s hard, the moving on.  Making decisions.  Leaving things in the past that no longer serve me.  There are so many reasons why I can’t go back into that world, and being honest about that with myself, was the hardest step.

Today, new day.  Bright, sunshiny, loving the birds chirping all over the place.  I fully realize that were I am, is not where I’ll stay – that the art of “becoming” takes time, effort, and some sort of dream.

Dream is a very distinct term I used there.  Note that I did not say “plan”.  (I don’t like plans.  Plans have a tendency to go off track.  When they do, I have a tendency to get really, really, really frustrated and, yep, mad.)

Dreams.  See, now, dreams can change.  They can ebb and flow.

I remembered, this afternoon, that when my husband and I watched “Valentine’s Day” the other night, my heart filled with excitement.  Have you ever seen it?  Well, if you haven’t, the main character owns a flower shop, and given that it’s Valentine’s Day, the shop is unbearably busy.  People shuffle this way, and that.  Ordering things.  Picking things out.

I felt crazy at the time, but I’m going to embrace the crazy today.

I want that.

No, no, no, not a flower shop.  I don’t know the first thing about being a florist. I want my business to have it’s own shop one day.

I’m starting to get into furniture now.  This is what I mean when I say things like, I do “whatever” until “whatever else” comes along.  I made crosses, then holiday stuff, then personalized signs, then other signs….  It’s like, whatever strikes my mood, and I’ve been hard on myself for not having a straight and clear vision.

Maybe that’s okay though.  Heck, I’ve only been selling this stuff since last September! That’s only 5 months!  (Yes, I counted that on my fingers.)  I’m still figuring out the process, the in’s and out’s, what I love to do with a passion, and what I really dislike.

Somewhere in my American mindset I think I have to have all the pieces now.  RIGHT NOW!  ACTION PLAN!

So, I’m going to be honest.  I’m letting it unfold by itself.  If I want to make a sign, I’ll make one.  If I want to make a table, I’ll do that.  And, sooner or later, I’ll have it together.

But, I sincerely hope that I don’t ever, really have it “together”.  It takes the fun out of trying new things.  I don’t want to make JUST signs.  Because I love the table I’m working on.  I don’t want to JUST make tables, because I love the table-top tree I carved.

So, the dream is this store, and I can see it vividly in my head.  It’s in an older building, brick on the wall, but also painted.  You know, like those really old buildings in the center of town.  The store is filled with all sorts of home decor – made from reclaimed and sustainable things, of course – furniture, artwork, plaques, you name it!  Sunlight streams in from the large windows, and past the artfully decorated storefront window.

People walk around the store, and feel at home.  There will be drinks and food available, to make it more comfortable and homey.  Great and wonderful Indie music would sound through the store, just like it does through the garage today.

The sign I’ve made for my business this year will be hanging, prominently, on the wall as a reminder of where I started.  And, any “newbie” in and around the area, will be given the chance to showcase their work, too.

We’d live in walking distance, so the dogs aren’t too far from me, if they don’t feel inclined to make the trip that day.

The best part?  My husband works beside me.  Creating and doing things he loves, too. The kids?  Oh, they do their homework at the checkout counter.

Yep, sometimes letting go of “what was”, and being honest with myself is, in fact, the hardest part.

Dreaming?  That’s easy.  But, it has to start somewhere, right?

The First Sign That There Was a Problem Was When I Cried Putting My Shoes On.

I’m not kidding, tears streaming.  I met with a recruiter yesterday, and I thought I’d make a good impression with the business casual dress, some knee highs (Hey, he wouldn’t know, I was wearing pants!), and some dressy flats.

Bawled about knee highs and dress shoes.

And, no, this wasn’t for an accounting job, per se.  It was just an informal lunch, finding out more about becoming a recruiter.

Second sign was when he asked me how many hours I wanted to work, and I stalled because I didn’t have a answer off the top of my head, to which he filled in “like, 45 hours?”

Dude, I spend at least that on my own business.

I suppose it was the last vestige of trying to make something out of all the effort I put into my accounting degree and becoming a certified public accountant.  I didn’t want all the work to just go down the drain.

And I know I was really good at that tax stuff, because everyone told me so.  But I’m good at baking too, and you don’t see me opening a bakery.  I wasn’t happy, and that’s the point.

But recruiting – helping people better their lives?  Cool.  Except, as it turns out, also corporate structure, little flexibility with time the first couple years, and sales quotas.  Boo. Boo on sales quotas.  Stifling.

I’ve gotten rather comfortable with my time being my time, and dressing casually, and just becoming more and more “me” every day.  I feel like I was trying to fit into someone else’s shoes yesterday.  Someone I used to be…maybe.  Someone I never really wanted to be in the first place?  Probably.

What did I end up wearing to the informal meet up?  My Vans.  Yep.  Because, at least that’s me.  ”Be yourself” one of my friends texted me.  ”You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” texted my husband.

See, I listen.

It was actually a great luncheon.  I learned a lot, and now I know in my heart, more so than ever, that the corporate world isn’t for me.  I knew it before, but I saw it in such clear light yesterday.  Clear, all the way down to my shoes.

So, what now?

I feel a little lost.  I feel caught between two worlds.  Mourning the one I used to be in, and trying to stay excited about the one I’m entering into.  Don’t let anyone fool you, this sort of change is hard.

So, I’ll be honest and say that I haven’t completely honed in on what my Etsy store will be, or where that path is going to go.  As I’m painting flowers onto a table top this morning, tears flowed down my cheeks.

I suppose all artists go through phases where they think they aren’t good enough, their stuff isn’t good enough.  I’m there.

I’m caught between a world that was comfortable and lucrative to one that’s not stable, where I doubt myself almost every single day - whether it’s my abilities, my pricing, or whether or not I’ll ever get it all together to seamlessly showcase my pieces.  I feel as if I’m just doing “whatever”….until it’s time to do “whatever” else.

Lost.

And, I know it’ll get better, and I’ll figure it all out, and all that crap about things happening for a reason…  I get that, I do.

But, for today, I’m just lost, and I’m okay with it.

But on the flipside, as tears fell on the painted table top, I began to realize that although I’m lost, my heart and soul still goes into every single thing I do, and that counts for something.

I mean, it has to count for something.  Even if it’s as simple as a tear drop on a flower petal.

So, when you look at my Etsy shop, just know that you’re looking at a girl “becoming”….